Pregnancy is kind of like a bizarre combination of being stuck inside the movie Aliens and an old person who complains frequently about body aches and joint pain. It’s just one of the most joyful exciting amazing terrible experiences a woman can go through. I mean, what’s not to love? Swollen feet, cankles, varicose veins, all-day nausea… How could you not enjoy all of that? I am serious. On the plus side, though, you might learn how to master the art of not peeing your pants whenever you sneeze or cough. It’s tricky.
As an observer to the disgusting miracle of life, you may have the sudden urge to ask a question or say something to a pregnant woman. Some of it might be purely innocent or may be out of morbid curiosity, but really… just do yourself (and the world) a favor. Don’t say anything to an expectant mother at all – ever. Unless you’d like meet the wrath of pregnancy hormones. They have a hard enough time trying to understand why they put yogurt in the cupboard and sandwich bags in the fridge that they really don’t need anything else to make their pregnancy more difficult. Here’s a list of the all-time Top 22 verbal gaffes preggos hear:
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#1. “Wow, your belly is HUGE!” OMG thanks for reminding me! I totally forgot that I am the size of Jupiter.
#2. “Are you sure you don’t have twins in there? I mean you are, like, really big.” Well, the gypsy fortune teller told me there’s only one in there, but since you’ve become a master on proper pregnancy size and weight gain, I should probably see that gypsy again for a second reading. You know, just to make sure.
#3. “Can I touch your belly?” Get. Away. From. Me. Now.
#4. “Have you had the baby yet?” Yes, why, yes I did! I just decided not to tell anyone for fun.
#5. “You are eating a TON!” Yeah, dude – I’m running a nonstop human-growing marathon in my uterus.
#6. “The store was out of the chocolate and vanilla swirl pudding Snack Packs.” You have got to be kidding me! Must. Get. Pudding. Snack. Packs. Now. NOW!
#7. “You look like you’re going to give birth tomorrow! When’s your due date?” Fifteen more weeks, but thanks!
#8. “You don’t look pregnant from behind, but when you turn around it’s like – WHOA – you are totally preggo!” *Crickets*
#9. “You’re crying again? Seriously? It’s a KFC commercial.” Two words, man: Pregnancy. Hormones.
#10. “I really hope you can lose all that weight you’ve gained.” Yes, I do too. Thank you for that.
#11. “I’m impressed that you’re able to find shirts that covers your whole belly.” I am actually more amazed that you’ve found shirts that cover the entirety of your belly, sir.
#12. “I bet you can’t wait to see your feet again.” Aww. How’d you know?
#13. “What are you going to name it?” Whatever I feel like, buddy.
#14. “I can’t believe you still have four more months to go! Poor thing.” Yes, I am fully aware of the time commitment I’ve made to the person who’s set up camp inside my uterus.
#15. “You’re not seriously going to give birth naturally, are you? You know there’s pain medication to help with that.” Is this my childbirth or yours?
#16. “You’re not seriously going to give birth with an epidural, are you?” See above.
#17. “Please tell me you aren’t going to be one of those moms who formula-feed.” Please tell me you will turn around and run away from me as quickly as you can before you meet some of my combative pregnancy hormones.
#18. “Please tell me you aren’t going to be one of those moms who breastfeed.” See above.
#19. “Was it planned?” Oh, I’m sorry. My bad. I didn’t know I needed to CC you on my reproductive plans.
#20. “How are you feeling? Are you feeling ok?” No, I am not feeling ok. I have a little human being inside me that resembles a sea monkey who thinks my bladder is a squeeze toy and heartburn that radiates to my kneecaps and is burning a hole through my esophagus.
#21. “Have you tried ginger ale or Sprite and crackers to help with your morning sickness?” Why, not at all! I just love morning sickness so much, I thought I would just fully embrace the entire experience. You know, so I can truly capture what it’s “like” to be pregnant.
#22. “Do you know what you’re having?” Well, we are *crossing* our fingers that it’s a baby. You never know, though…