They’re brand new. They’re squishy. They kinda even smell nice, too. Boy, oh boy, babies are sooo cute! But then comes the super fun part where you get to learn all the exciting stuff that other parents just don’t tell you, so I took it upon myself to share it with you. You know, ‘cause sharing is caring. And I care. Plus, I can feel your lack of sleep all the way over here, guys.
#1. If you dress your baby in a really nice outfit, they will poop all over it.
#2. If you are wearing a really nice outfit, they will poop all over it.
#3. When you change your baby’s diaper, they will undoubtedly poop in it immediately. And explosively. Like you fell for that one again, Mama. Too. Easy.
#4. You’ll find yourself talking about poop. A. Lot. I can’t believe that just came out of you. Whoa!
#5. The first three to four months are the worst of your life. Ever. But you’ll miss those tender times once they’re gone… So enjoy it. I know, I know, I just rolled my eyes too.
#6. However you decide to feed your baby – whether by breast or bottle – is your decision and yours alone. You’re not any less of a woman for feeding your baby with formula and you’re not Mother of the Year if you nurse. It simply just does not measure who you are as a parent.
#7. Strangers will approach you because you have a baby and they’ll want to touch or hold him. Tell them, freakishly fast and in a highly concerned voice, that your baby has a skin-eating disease that is highly contagious. They’ll run screaming for the hills. (Hey, people just sometimes need to learn proper etiquette the hard way.)
#8. You’re gonna get asked often if your baby is a good baby by some random person when you’re out in public. Tell them, “Nah. He’s kind of a jerk. Wish I could do an exchange, but I lost the receipt. Now I’m stuck with this one. Ugghhh.” It’s fun messing with people. Especially when you have had a grand total of 3 hours of sleep in the last 168 hours.
#9. Sleep deprivation is a special kind of torture – you will be *amazed* at what you can do off of twenty minutes of sleep. I got a lot of sleep last night – woohoo!
#10. You will keep a mental tally of whose turn it is to get up with the baby, and your partner will not win that argument. Ever. IT’S YOUR TURN!!!!!
#11. If you don’t drink coffee now, you will. And black. Ain’t nobody got time for cream or sugar.
#12. You’ll often get unsolicited parenting advice from people who don’t have kids. You can respond with, “Oh, thank you for that excellent piece of advice! How old is your kid again?”
#13. You’ll also get a lot of rude parenting advice from strangers. You’ll know exactly what to say when that happens.
#14. Your baby doesn’t have very high expectations of you. They just want you to take care of them. Sing your rendition of Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You" to your baby. She’ll totally think you are Grammy-worthy.
#15. When you are out with your baby, you can talk to yourself and no one will look at you like you’re crazy. B-O-N-U-S.
#16. Give your baby a bath before bedtime – not in the morning or in the middle of the day. You. Are. Welcome. Unless you are a masochist and get your kicks from having no sleep. Hey, to each their own and I won’t knock it.
#17. You don’t need to spend $385,716.23 on your baby’s nursery. He’s more than likely gonna bunk up with you anyhow.
#18. You don’t need half the stuff that people will tell you that you need for your Mini Me. Unless you live in a mansion and have tons of room to store all of it and don’t care that your baby won’t use the majority of it.
#19. Babies are freakin’ EXPENSIVE. You’ll spend well over $17,000 that first year alone. Consider it a down payment on your future assisted living or nursing home accommodations forty years from now.
#20. You didn’t gain the baby weight overnight and probably won’t lose it two seconds after giving birth. Women that do are freaks of nature.
#21. You most definitely will need to wear your maternity clothes when you leave the hospital – unless you are a freak of nature (see above).
#22. Stretchmark creams don’t work – save yourself the money, seriously. Instead, invest in a good bath sponge and exfoliate your tummy consistently to bring circulation back into your skin and moisturize with shea butter or coconut oil. Your stretchmarks more than likely won’t ever disappear, but you can greatly reduce the appearance of them. They’re your tiger stripes, so don’t be embarrassed about them either – you grew a person inside of you, mama. Wear those bad boys with pride.
#23. Going to Target alone will feel like a vacation. Taking a shower will feel like one too, for that matter.
#24. Buy a good pair of ear plugs to shove in your ears when your baby is wailing for extended periods of time. You’ll be able to handle it much better. Your neighbors will probably appreciate the gesture if you buy them a pair, too.
#25. The best baby toys will come from your kitchen. Tupperware, pots and pans, spatulas, and mixing bowls are somehow far more entertaining to your baby than the costly toys you have.
#25. You’ll cry a lot in the beginning, for no reason whatsoever, and it’s perfectly okay and normal. You’ll probably do so alongside your baby. That’s okay, too. Consider it a bonding experience – envision the two of you singing “Kumbaya” around a campfire on a perfectly starry night, holding hands and in complete harmony. All chakras are in perfect balance. Ahhhhmmm.
#27. Two words: Diaper. Genie.
#28. Another set of two words: Lansinoh. Cream.
#29. You’re going to get told very, very often that you look tired. But we all know that’s a just polite way of saying you look like crap. Thank you, random stranger on the street.
#30. You will wear the same outfit for a few days in a row, but you won’t really know how many “a few days” will end up being. Your hair and clothes will also probably be crusted in unknown baby gunk, but you really won’t care. No, seriously, you won't. And you think I’m joking…
#31. You’ll eat crazily fast or one-handed – or you’ll do both. Basically, you’ll become a ninja. You have much to learn, young Grasshopper.
#32. You will master the art of translation. Aunt Donna: “Aww, what did she just say? Goo da la boo doo wiggly woo?” You: “Ooohh, so close. She actually just reminded me that we have a playdate at 2:00 this afternoon.”